"The Happening"

M. Night Shyamalan sucks. Zooey Deschanel is a goddess. This movie is a piece of shit. The end.

Cover Quote: "We've sensed it. We've seen the signs. Now... It's Happening."

Chapin Quote: "Oh, secret Hollywood crush... Marry me."

And by secret Hollywood crush.. I meant M. Night Shyamalan.. Of Course.
The Greatest Director of our time.


Yeah, this is about killer plants that release toxins when they are rustled by the wind. Why?

"Frogs"


Who would have thought that 200 years later in the 1970's, that someone would still be upset with the French. The French and Indian War was 200 years ago! Get over it! Oh, wait. This movie is actually about Frogs? Dumb.


Cover Quote: "Today the Pond.. Tomorrow the world!"

Chapin Quote: "But they are so damn cute.. how could they?"





Here is a trailer for the movie...
you WILL be disappointed.




This is a review done by some kid...
it is hilarious...
you WILL NOT be disappointed.

"Robot Jox"

Future. Robots. Sports. Battle. Zzzzzzzzz...

Cover Quote: "Two Men! Two Machines! Too Wild!"

Alternate Cover Quote: "The Ultimate killing machine. Part man. Part metal."

Chapin Quote: "I don't feel good."

"Dead and Breakfast"

Really?
why?
sigh..
Oh! But wait! Someone get's killed with a cymbal from a drum set! Cool!

Cover Quote: not even worthy a cover quote.. sad.

Chapin Quote: "David Carradine is in this? Man, I miss Gary Busey."

This clip should help you understand my pain.

"The Gingerdead Man"

Oh, Gary... Gary Busey.. The Buse.. You're so funny. I love this movie. It's so damn bad. Gary Busey does such a great job "pretending" to be a crazy person! What a performance! Now maybe I was "baked" when I watched this movie, but I enjoyed how horrible it was.. haha get it? "Baked?" sigh.

I am pretty sure that it was Danielle Steele that said, and I quote, "A bad review is like baking a cake with all the best ingredients and having someone sit on it."

Oh, how true Danielle, how true. Danielle, may I call you Danielle? You should have been Oprah, instead of that Oprah lady.

Cover Quote: "Evil never tasted so good."

Chapin Quote: "My butt itches."
heh.

"Switchblade Sisters"

One would think that a movie with switchblade yielding babes would be pure genius put to film.. nope. These girls don't seem tough.. in fact, they seem like bad actors. Burn.

Cover Quote: "The wildest teenage girl gang that ever blasted the streets! Mothers lock up your sons."

Chapin Quote: "This isn't awesome at all.. that John Denver is full of shit, man."

"Malibu Express"


Breasts, Breasts and more Breasts.
But, hey, I'm not complaining.

With 20 or so softcore porn scenes and a cast of about 75% models and guns, I am pretty sure that this just might be gem.

Cover Quote: "Packing Heat from Texas to Malibu Beach!"

Chapin Quote: "Hmm.. that guy just took his sleeves off of his jacket to fight. "

"Gingerdead Man 2"

What a pile of crap.

Seriously painful.


Cover Quote: "Passion of the Crust"

Cover Quote #2: "Freshly Baked Terror!"


Chapin Quote: "Who would of thought that a movie about a cookie
that kills people would have been a bad idea?"

"Chopping Mall"

Hmm.. Let's make a movie where a giant mall is guarded by three rolling, slow moving and poorly designed robots . Okay, done. Now, let's have a party in the mall with lots of making out after hours. Sounds fun, right? Uh oh, the robots kill everyone. The end.
Greenlight that shit!

Cover Quote: "Buy or die.. Half off is just the beginning!"

Alternate Cover Quote: "Where shopping can cost you an arm and a leg."

Yet another alternate cover quote: "At Park Place Mall the new security force isn't just tight. It's terrifying!"

Oh, guess what? One last Cover Quote: "Some people will kill for a bargain.. and at the Park Place Mall, they do! Here, you can shop til you drop.. dead!"

Chapin Quote: "Yes! Another movie that totally sucks... until someone's head explodes!"

"Attack of the 60 foot Centerfold"

why?

Cover Quote: "She's so hot, you'll need to call 911"

Chapin Quote: "Dumb."

Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold (1995)
Uploaded by luchagringo. - News videos hot off the press.

"Teenage Exorcist"

What an array of bad actors and unnecessary story lines.

A teenager moves into a house that has an evil spirit living in it. She becomes possessed by the spirit and begins to be "naughty". Wonderful, a horny college student, in most cases that isn't such a bad idea. In this case, it is.. oh, it's a bad idea indeed.


Cover Quote: "She'll turn your head... all the way around."

Chapin Quote: "My head is turning around.. because I'm looking away from this movie."
burn.

"Blood Diner"

Well, well, well.. where to start? So you have this friend that has this movie, right? It's called "Blood Diner" and you are ready to watch it, well you think you are ready. Prepare to be confused and baffled.

50 Million years ago Sheetar (yes, that's a characters name) was supreme ruler. Some young men, who sell cooked body parts to the public disguised as vegetarian food, decide to bring her back to life. A brain and eyeballs combo in a jar that talks is the boss of the two young men whom somehow are able to get away with murdering a ton of people and not getting caught. Sheetar comes to life, her vagina stomach kills a man.. fin.
Sheetar!

Cover Quote: "First They Greet You, Then They Eat You."

Chapin Quote: "Wow...what?.. huh?... wow."

Clip Explanation: Umm, so.. this is a random scene from this ridiculous movie. But, nonetheless.. enjoy.




Clip Explanation: I love how this guy says "You look kinda nice, you look kinda good." Hilarious, and also Sheetar is one bad ass motha'.. shut cho' mouth! I'm only talkin' bout Sheetar!

"Monster in the Closet"

Just flat out lame.

DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE! EVER!

Cover Quote: "It's Out! It's Out! It's Out!"
(what?)

Chapin Quote: "Oh, fucking come on!"

"Dead Alive"

This movie has it all!! A rotting old woman (literally, she rots to pieces), a ninja priest (who apparently "kicks ass for the Lord"), humping zombies who later create a baby zombie and by far most goopy and gory scenes than any movie I have ever seen before. The clip below is just disturbing. Let's see.. how to set up this clip.. A man, a lawnmower, a room full of zombies and well you can just imagine. Take a look... I think I gonna puke.

Cover Quote: "Some things won't stay down... even after they die."

Chapin Quote: "There's nothing better than a movie that makes you laugh, creates a feeling of nausea and then leaves you very confused... loved it."

By the way.. this little gem was Directed by Peter Jackson.. he directed a trilogy that you might have heard of.. I dunno, it wasn't that big.. "The Lord of the Rings!" Ridiculous.

"The Doll Squad"

70's Bombshell Babes? Yes please.

These women definitely live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse! With a super funky 70's porn soundtrack and lots of vixens kicking ass and taking names.. it's a winner.

Cover Quote: "A diabolical maniac threatens mass destruction! An elite band of sexy assassins... our only hope!"

Chapin Quote: "This is the breast movie I have ever seen... wait, I meant best.. honest!"

"The Stuff"

So there is a deadly yogurt substance that is sweeping the nation. But, when you eat it.. you become addicted and then you hollow out and spill out lots of white yogurt stuffs.
Hmm.. pure genius.



Cover Quote: "Are you eating it...or is it eating you?"

Chapin Quote: "Mmm.. yogurt...that kills people... tasty."

"Deadly Friend"

A boy genius loses his robot and his girlfriend to tragedy. He steals his girlfriend's corpse from the Hospital and puts a computer chip in her brain. Boom! Now she's a hot Zombie girlfriend. She begins to seek revenge on her father, who killed her earlier in the movie. Then she kills the neighbor lady who killed the boyfriend's robot. Not a very exciting movie, well not until the scene where a basketball hits a lady in the head.. and then her head explodes! Amazing!

Cover Quote: "Not All Nightmares Happen On Elm Street"

Chapin Quote: "Hah! That lady's head just exploded!"

"Dead Heat"

Hmm... Ok, where to start.
Zombies are bank robbers. A good cop dies and becomes a Zombie cop. Joe Piscopo is a very shitty comedic addition to this ridiculously lame movie, his mullet is as bad as his jokes.

Cover Quote: "You Can't Keep A Good Cop Dead"

Chapin's favorite line: Joe Piscopo is fighting a zombie pig... the kind you buy at a market. He shoots it and says, "That's it! From now on I'm a vegetarian." Not funny.

"Night Of The Creeps"

The first ten minutes of this movie had Aliens fighting, an axe murderer, killer zombies and breasts. So hmmm let's see. Duh, like no-brainer, ya' know. Loved this one. No complaints here.

Cover Quote: "The good news is your date is here. The bad news is.... he's dead."

Favorite line from the movie was a scene where the main character is mowing over a zombie with a lawnmower and he says, "later dude." Hilarious.

"Lady Terminator"

Holy awesome Indonesian Terminator rip off, Batman! What an absolutely ridiculous, seriously bloody, naked and futuristic Indonesian masterpiece! It was like watching the "Terminator" movies, poorly dubbed over and with a $5 to $10 dollar budget.



Cover quote: "First she mates, then she terminates"

Bjorn Quote: "oh my god, I can't believe how much dialog they fit in such a short amount of time. Must be the high quality acting skills."

Actual dialogue spat out nervously in a matter of ten seconds between four people. wow.

" You ok?

wow, thats what i call police brutality man.

Hey snake, I'm not on duty man. I never pulled out my badge and furthermore those guys deserved it. Hey Doug where's Joe?

He's still on a mission. Lets go get drinks mate."


Chapin Quote: "OMG, That dude just pulled a snake out of her vagina and turned it into a dagger! I'm confused."

"Return Of The Living Dead part II"

I know, I know. But, this one was actually fantastic and entertaining in a good way. Well crap.

Cover Quote: "If A Nightmare On Elm Street made you scream and Creepshow split your sides, then... Return Of The Living Dead Part II will scare your brains out!"

Other Cover Quote: "Just when you thought it was safe to be dead."

Chapin quote: "Dammit, I liked this one.. well now what?"

"Murdercycle"

A meteor drops from the sky, some dude on a dirt bike investigates... blah, blah, blah. The dirt bike turns into an evil alien motorcycle thingie. And end scene.

Cover Quote: "Alien Death Machine"
(Sounds fun, right?)

Chapin Quote: "Ok, turn this off."

"Runaway"

Tom Selleck. Killer Robots that look like Sharper Image toys. A bomb that chases cars that is most likely a modem on wheels. Mixed with alcohol, this movie is so f'ing great!

Cover Quote: "They were crafted for the purpose of serving man. But now, guided by an evil force, they're committing murder in this fast-paced futuristic action-adventure.

Bjorn Quote: "I think that's a modem chasing a car! lol lol lol."

Also "stars": Gene Simmons (that's right "Kiss" baby, Kiss.)
and Kirstie Alley (No comment necessary)

"Ninja Knight: Heaven's Hell"

Ok, so. A bunch of white guys with enough money to make a movie, decided that they really liked samurai movies. Not good enough my friends. Not good enough. Although, very funny movie.

Comes with a free doggy bag.

Cover Quote: "Days of peace, nights of terror."

Chapin Quote: "Oh God, I think I just vomited in my mouth a little bit."

"Malone"
Burt Reynolds...wow, what a mustache. Acting? Ah, who cares about acting when a man can grow a mustache like that. Well, he can do just about anything and it will be gold!

Cover Quote: "Malone. Ex-Cop. Ex-CIA. Ex-Plosive!"

Chapin Quote: "That guy just blew a car up with a shotgun!"

"Final Justice"

Yes! "Final Justice" What a goldmine! Joe Don Baker's most challenging career moment and it all takes place in Italy! So as you can imagine there are shitty overdubs and lots and lots of spaghetti! His character name is hilarious. He goes by the name Thomas Jefferson Geronimo! Wonderful.




Cover Quote #1: "His name is Thomas Jefferson Geronimo. His brand of justice doesn't stop at the Texas border."


Cover quote #2: "Joe Don Baker is looking for trouble."

Chapin Quote: "God, I love Joe Don Baker!"

"Guardian Angel"

Well, let's see. Where to start? What a gem of a movie. With costumes from Goodwill, fight sequences that make you chuckle very lightly, this movie is entertaining for about 15 minutes. Snooze.

Cover Quote: "She's No Angel Of Mercy."

Chapin Quote: "That chick just used a push broom in a fight! Wow....ZzzzzZzzz."

"Roller Blade"
Pure Genius! Roller skating nuns yielding blades all to save our world from the evil that lurks in the night. Horribly amusing wipe sequences and cheap computer effects. The computer layered smiley faces that so gracefully come at you on the screen.. real nice touch. Lay off the pot Donald G. Jackson... if that is your real name.






Plot Synopsis: In a futuristic society, rebels fighting against a fascist state are aided by a group of roller-skating nuns called the Bod Sisters.



Cover Quote: "In a world of blood and greed, courageous crusaders battle to rebuild a battered land"

Chapin Quote: "What the fuck."